After writing my last post and feeling the healing effects of writing it, I decided I’d share this blog with a few select people who I care about (other than my husband) and even shared it in a like-minded group I’m in on Facebook. Big mistake. It just set me up for disappointment again. No one actually cares… let me rephrase that. It’s not important enough for people to read. The ones who do care, have many other things higher up on their priority list (and I don’t blame them) and don’t have time for it. The people from the group just don’t care to read it, I suppose.
I opened myself up to allow others in… and to possibly be understood by more people… but all it did was open me up to more disappointment from people not wanting to engage and be a part of my life. I don’t want to sit here and write up a great post and then it be extinguished because a certain person didn’t read it or provide feedback. But that’s exactly what I would allow to happen. I seek the approval of others. I seek that close connection that revealing your inner workings can create. I seek interaction from those who actually care about me.
But, frankly none of that matters. I have learned over and over again in my life that a lot of people will disappoint you. And they will continue to disappoint you, until you find a way to live a life that does not require actions they would not normally take.
The more I open up to others in hopes for a connection, the more disappointed I am. I have to detach from the expectations. Accept them for who they are and find my happiness elsewhere.
Self-reliance. Counting on myself. Finding my acceptance and love within myself. Taking control of my happiness. That is what I’m working on.. Stop putting my happiness in the hands of others, because more times than not, whether they mean to or not, they will disappoint you. I have seen great improvement within myself letting this all go, but sharing this blog with the hopes I had was a setback… It’s a lesson that keeps coming back for me to learn more. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. And I’m learning to be okay with that.
It’s just another reminder that I made this blog for me. Not for them. Not for someone to read it and all of a sudden “get” me. Not to share more of myself to loved ones, than I can in a text. All of those things would be nice, but that is not the world I live in. I am here to write. Write for myself. Put my thoughts down somewhere. I’m here creating a safe space for me. To look within. And if nothing else, this gives me more freedom to write whatever I want. To not censor things. To just share my truth. As it is. And feel good about it.
And so I will.
