Today. 1 PM. My mind was filled with lists of what needed to be done and what needed to be bought. We were all sitting together at the table. We were eating a quick lunch at home before heading back to the office for Kevin’s business call at 2. The phone rang, interrupting my thoughts. I checked. It was my mom. I always answer for her. We talked for a bit as she updated me, but got off the phone quicker than we normally would have. Leala asked if that was MeMaw. I nodded. Evan asked if she’s okay, since we didn’t talk long. I explained that she just wanted to update me and that she was driving and needed to focus.
Without hesitation, Evan asked, “You can drive when you have Cancer?”
It hit me like a ton of bricks. A jolt that woke me up and shook me. The “Cancer” word has been a part of my vocabulary and a part of my life (and my kids’ lives) for 4 months and 1 day. I’ve said it in my home. I’ve said it to my kids. I’ve even heard them say it, but it’s been a while.
I asked myself why hearing him ask that bothered me so much. It wasn’t that he didn’t know whether she could drive or not. It was literally just the word “cancer” coming out of his mouth, without hesitation.
That’s it. Without hesitation. I still hesitate when I say the word. I still soften my voice a little. I still slightly bow my head a little. My body still gets tense when I say it.
But he didn’t.
He didn’t hesitate saying it at all. He said it out loud. Plain as day. Loud and clear. Cancer.
When I heard the word, I immediately looked up and stared at him. I was quickly reminded by the mom voice in my head that I needed to not make a big deal about it. I answered his question and I looked at Kevin sitting across from me. Kevin felt the jolt too.
I know this is a sign of his innocence and a sign of his comfort level about the topic. I realize that we have made this a topic open for conversation, which is exactly what we wanted. We didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable asking questions. We didn’t want them to bottle up their concerns and worries. We wanted them to talk freely and openly about it. We have achieved that. I’m grateful for it.
But at the same time, any day you hear that word come out of your 7 year old’s mouth is a sad day.
